Sep 1, 2017

Oestrogen surge

It has been a looooong time since I write here and this time it is driven by my oestrogen surge because it's that time of the month... if you know what I mean.

I'm turning 23 this October- which to me is still so very young, but I don't know why my facebook and instagram timelines are so full with photos of friends or friends of friends getting engaged/married and even expecting!! (Heartiest congratulations to you people by the way!) Like.. is 23 the optimum age to get married or something? And if it is, how can I not know it?!?

I would definitely be lying if I say I'm not affected by this 'phenomenon' but I have to put that feeling aside for now because:

1. I'm still struggling to graduate here- JUST. SEVEN. MORE. MONTHS.
2. I don't think I'm ready. Or maybe I am. To be honest, I don't actually know.

Am I even capable of being a great partner to someone? I am selfish and an ego maniac, how can I become selfless and (expected to) love someone more than I love myself? Do I even love me? I refused to go back to my parents' sometimes just because I don't feel like it. How can I even want to go back to someone else's hometown? Heck, I don't even know my way back to Taiping because all I do in the car is either sleeping or sleeping. Have you heard of all those terrible mother in law stories?! I'm not a good cook- I don't eat veges please don't expect me to know the names. I only know less than 5 types of fish - sardine, salmon, bawal, keli.... oh wait, maybe only 4. I woke up late sometimes. I clean my room/house only on weekends but it turns into a wreckship again after a few hours. I'm not good at keeping track of my expenses. I'm a total mess.

Being in medical field, I always wonder when is the ideal time to settle down. I think everybody knows how competitive it is nowadays because of the huge number of MBBS/MD graduates- which means I definitely have to work a whole lot harder for a place in the system- which means I can't get distracted and screw up. I can't get married now because I'm still a student, if I were to get pregnant; I'm gonna have to miss a lot of classes for appointments/check ups, the morning sickness and not to forget the labour and confinement period. How can I even pass with that many absenteeism? Most probably will have to repeat a WHOLE year (or semester- most of the people call it), financially unsupported by the scholar giver. Same thing if I decided to settle down during housemanship training. For sure need to extend and this will somehow affect my opportunity to sit for the requirement exam when I want to apply to become a specialist later in the future.

I am now 23, will graduate soon (insyaAllah) when I'm 24. Have to wait a bit before starting housemanship probably for 6 months (based on the previous batches). When my 2 years of housemanship done, I'll be 26 years old, this is probably when I will get married. Then of course wanna have honeymoon period with the husband for 2-3 years maybe hehe. But by then, when I want to have a child (emm or maybe children, we'll see), I'll be around 29 years old already. Do you know as the age increases, the risk to have abnormal pregnancy also increases? And around this time, i should be focusing on my exam to become a specialist. How do I juggle between patients, a newborn, husband and studies?  Do you understand the reasons for my worries? Or is it just me overthinking things? How do other people make it look so easy? Can I do it too?

So yea. I really don't know. I guess I just have to go with the flow and see how it is going to be. After all, we plan and He also plans- and He is, the greatest planner of all.

Wouldn't it be nice to have someone who understands, who is  willing to go through all this mess together? You know what, I think I found him.

It has been about three years since we got together. (I think. I don't even remember when or how it started. We just happened.) The period of knowing each other- it matters to me. The longer, the better. You can't just marry anyone you met yesterday  and woke up the next day realizing that you two didn't go well together and part ways and repeat the whole thing again with another person (Yup, you can tell that I'm not a believer of the love after marriage thingy). Never have I ever imagined being with someone who is this close to me. I mean, I have always tried to avoid being with someone whom I met everyday (i.e classmates) because I thought we would get bored of each other very easily and if we somehow broke up, it'd be difficult because how do we move on when we still see each other every other day? It would be awkward righttt?!?

But it's totally different from what I've been imagining. There's never a dull second/moment/day with this one. And I realized that I should have not worry about breaking up at the very first place  because you don't get into a relationship just to worry about it ending. You get into a relationship trying your best to make it lasts, to cherish every moment and that's about it. Other things are just the sugar and spice to make it nice(r). My days are always better when he interferes. He makes me feel good about myself, he makes me a whole lot happier and some other feelings that are indescribable (also because I malas nak tulis ady 😌). Yes, of course there are days when we had misunderstandings and all but that's another thing.

What I love most about being in love is that it always made you try harder in everything that you do. How it  made you  want to be  a better person for yourself  first, then only for the people around you. I hope it's not too early to say that he's the one because I realized that I still have a long way to go. I hope we are both in the right lane. I hope He eases our way.

No comments: