Jun 22, 2016

count your blessings


Umm this is going to be a (very) personal post.
I don't recommend you reading this post but I'm going to write it anyway because I need to let it off my chest.

Might consider this as the  semi-grown up version of "appreciation post" hahaha can't remember when was the last time I wrote one - the usual posts written for your close friends on their birthday. (Those who have been blogging since schooling days would understand hehe)



Ok so where and how do I start?




I have a small circle of friends.
Really good friends.

We've been so close since almost 5 years ago, since my foundation days. Planning to live in the same house when we pursue degree, and we did. But things started to become a bit... um... let's just say chaotic, because I was unable to adapt myself to the new things. So I went to seek for advice from someone (M-not his/her real name) whom I thought was more experienced than I was at that time, whom I thought knew best. I was so terrified of the changes around me, I was scared of so many things that I couldn't think straight. I followed whatever M told me to do, whatever M thought on how I should react about stuffs and the list goes on, which includes me being a total asshole towards my friends. I thought I was protecting myself, well technically I was, but I did it the wrong way.

Fast forward to the days really near to my first year final exam, I had a major breakdown. I was unable to do anything. I locked myself up in the room. I did not eat. I slept all day and cried all night. Sedangkan exam was only 7 days away and I have a year worth of notes to be revised. I know they were worried about me. One by one came knocking at my door, tried to get me out of my room. Siap masakkan bubur, and suapkan (YES, suap), ajak I study sama-sama, basically took care of me like a lost child.... even after everything that I did and said to them. I treated them so badly, like so so bad I would not forgive myself if I were them. This might sound so corny and cliche but at that point, I knew that I can really count on them, that they are my real friends, my sisters.



Until...


I found a new hobby that came in package with a new group of friends. I started to hang out a lot with them, and spent less time at home. I only came back to shower and sleep and sometimes, I didn't come home at all. And I've been putting these people that I barely knew first before my sisters. I've been so unavailable. No more food hunting and movie and shopping and girls talk and many more together. I did feel jealous and left out a bit whenever they went out without me. They did ask but eventually they stopped asking because what's the point of asking when they already knew that I will let them down like I usually do, right?


I had this feeling of complete emptiness (?) starting from the time when Nis and Sha were about to fly off to India. I saw them packing and I felt sad. Having to part with them with lots of bad things happened between us instead of the good ones. I wished I had more time to make things better but it was a little too late.



And with the remaining four...

I hope Mun and Az will put only-God-knows-whatever-it-was-that-happened-between-them aside and be bestfriends again.


and Ja and Tin;

I think I'm more close to you guys rather than the others.
The others are like our elder sisters and we are the little sisters, the triplets!
Yeah that's a way to describe it.


I miss to randomly walk into their room and just drop next to them on the bed, not having to say a word, they would make room for you, and they wouldn't ask a thing as well. Y'know the times when you wanted to be alone but you don't wanna feel lonely so you just be alone together kind of thing.

And when you just know that they're having a crisis, you just got the feeling that they needed you. The moment you walked into the room, they'll start pouring their heart out straight away and vice versa.

The people that their opinion matters, that have a say in almost everything, that you know will give you the brutally honest opinion you needed to hear because you were in denial about stuffs. The advice that you didn't ask for but you secretly follow them because you know what they said is true.

You kinda know everything about them that they seemed to be so predictable. When you forwarded a funny message and you waited to hear them laugh in the next room or to hear them scream from across your door because you sent them photos of hantu pocong hihihi. Even the little things like that.




But now....

To do those kind of things seems to be weird and....awkward?
And it feels like we've lost the 'connection' between us.

Which is very sad.

And who is there to blame? Me.



When sometimes I ajak them to go somewhere, they'll stare at me as if I have a tanduk growing out of my forehead. Giving me replies like "But I thought you're going with them/him?" or "Eh it's okay I'll have someone else to teman me later". Like c'mon guys, it's okay to say yes to me. I asked because I WANT to go and be with you people, not because I was being nice (because you know I'm not nice anyway).

Please understand that.





I'll fix this.


Because I wanna grow old and still have them in my little circle of lovely friends. I want to graduate with them. I want to be there when each one of us got married. I want my kids to know them. I want my kids to become friends with theirs. I want to be able to say "I'm going to refer you to my very good friend, a surgeon in Melaka" to my patient.

Does it sound silly & childish to you when you read this?


Honestly,
To intentionally hurt you guys would be the last thing I want to do
(and no, it's not even on the list)


Girls;
I am trying,
please allow me to.


Ahh it's 4 in the morning now,
I don't know why I'm writing this.

Maybe this could be a reminder to myself to not take people for granted again.
To always appreciate those who have been with you and put up with your shits for a long time but still staying.