Jul 23, 2018

Getting a grip

This happened a while ago.

I had troubles sleeping.

When I laid in bed, all the lights off
and I tried to close my eyes,

I suddenly became so conscious of my breathing.
Instead of involuntarily breathing in and out,
I had to tell my self to do so.

I didn't have any difficulty but I somehow felt some tightness on my chest.

When I finally fell asleep,
I became apnoeic and it startled me and woke me up.

Was it anxiety that I was having?
It was surely a terrible, terrible feeling.

I had no idea why this happened.
What was the stressor?

Maybe because it was my first week as a final year student.
Because I needed to be really good at whatever I was doing.
Because I was only one step away to be the person between the patient and their grave.
Just maybe.

Grateful that this this only lasted for about a week as I finally managed to pull myself together.

This was only the first week as a final year student.
Can you imagine the emotional hurricane that I will have to endure during housemanship?

This is the kind of feeling that I pray to God, to never ever have to feel again.
May He give me all the strength I needed.

Jun 10, 2018

Life As A Medical Student - THE END

[May 9, 2018]

Final Year Professional Exam 2:
12/4/18 - 18/4/18

Results announced:

Oath Taking Ceremony / Mini Convocation:

Alhamdulillah, all praises to Allah,
I have officially graduated from medschool on May 4th 2018.
After five looooong years, the journey has come to an end.
Indeed, it feels so surreal.

  • How do I feel now?

I have mixed feelings.
Grateful, because I passed the exam.
Happy, because I've graduated.
Sad, because this means goodbye between me and my friends.
Scared, because I'm not sure if I can handle the stress and responsibilities once I've started working.

  • What's my current plan?

I will start my two weeks-prehouseman/houseman shadowing program on May 14th in Surgical department- which is also going to be in Ramadhan. Let's pray together so that I wouldn't go into hypoglycaemic state every single day. I will try my very best to learn and grab all the opportunities that I can which may become handy for my real housemanship life later.

After raya, I'm planning to take Mandarin class so that I can converse better with my patients especially the elderlies but you know what, I had also planned to read my surgical textbook before starting my pre-HO rotation but that didn't happen so we will see about that hahaha.


  • Find the best photographer available for our official UniKL convocation in October.
  • Plan a vacation with my girl gang before we all went separate ways for real.
  • Gain weight and actually learn how to cook proper meal.

I actually have a lot of things in mind for me to do during the waiting time, but I'm gonna need to sit down, make a list and plan properly first.

[June 10, 2018]

Done with my pre-HO and it wasn't that bad at all.

Current life situation is getting everything sorted out: filling forms for job application and stuffs and also taking care of my cats, especially Biyu whom just got diagnosed with urinary stones.

It's the last five days of Ramadhan, Alhamdulillah for another year. How is my raya preparation? Well, weirdly enough, this year's raya is the one that I felt least excited for I'm not sure why. Probably because I've been home for a few weeks now. I mean, there's no 'balik kampung' excitement. Baju raya? Well, we had Along's wedding celebration last three months so we had a few pairs of new bajus already (color-coordinated some more) so yea, just gonna recycle em for raya because why not. Oh and yay, to the new addition in the family- Kak Linda. Hopefully raya will be a lot merrier.

That is all for now. Have a happy and blissful Ramadhan everyone.
Gros bisous.

Sep 1, 2017

Oestrogen surge

It has been a looooong time since I write here and this time it is driven by my oestrogen surge because it's that time of the month... if you know what I mean.

I'm turning 23 this October- which to me is still so very young, but I don't know why my facebook and instagram timelines are so full with photos of friends or friends of friends getting engaged/married and even expecting!! (Heartiest congratulations to you people by the way!) Like.. is 23 the optimum age to get married or something? And if it is, how can I not know it?!?

I would definitely be lying if I say I'm not affected by this 'phenomenon' but I have to put that feeling aside for now because:

1. I'm still struggling to graduate here- JUST. SEVEN. MORE. MONTHS.
2. I don't think I'm ready. Or maybe I am. To be honest, I don't actually know.

Am I even capable of being a great partner to someone? I am selfish and an ego maniac, how can I become selfless and (expected to) love someone more than I love myself? Do I even love me? I refused to go back to my parents' sometimes just because I don't feel like it. How can I even want to go back to someone else's hometown? Heck, I don't even know my way back to Taiping because all I do in the car is either sleeping or sleeping. Have you heard of all those terrible mother in law stories?! I'm not a good cook- I don't eat veges please don't expect me to know the names. I only know less than 5 types of fish - sardine, salmon, bawal, keli.... oh wait, maybe only 4. I woke up late sometimes. I clean my room/house only on weekends but it turns into a wreckship again after a few hours. I'm not good at keeping track of my expenses. I'm a total mess.

Being in medical field, I always wonder when is the ideal time to settle down. I think everybody knows how competitive it is nowadays because of the huge number of MBBS/MD graduates- which means I definitely have to work a whole lot harder for a place in the system- which means I can't get distracted and screw up. I can't get married now because I'm still a student, if I were to get pregnant; I'm gonna have to miss a lot of classes for appointments/check ups, the morning sickness and not to forget the labour and confinement period. How can I even pass with that many absenteeism? Most probably will have to repeat a WHOLE year (or semester- most of the people call it), financially unsupported by the scholar giver. Same thing if I decided to settle down during housemanship training. For sure need to extend and this will somehow affect my opportunity to sit for the requirement exam when I want to apply to become a specialist later in the future.

I am now 23, will graduate soon (insyaAllah) when I'm 24. Have to wait a bit before starting housemanship probably for 6 months (based on the previous batches). When my 2 years of housemanship done, I'll be 26 years old, this is probably when I will get married. Then of course wanna have honeymoon period with the husband for 2-3 years maybe hehe. But by then, when I want to have a child (emm or maybe children, we'll see), I'll be around 29 years old already. Do you know as the age increases, the risk to have abnormal pregnancy also increases? And around this time, i should be focusing on my exam to become a specialist. How do I juggle between patients, a newborn, husband and studies?  Do you understand the reasons for my worries? Or is it just me overthinking things? How do other people make it look so easy? Can I do it too?

So yea. I really don't know. I guess I just have to go with the flow and see how it is going to be. After all, we plan and He also plans- and He is, the greatest planner of all.

Wouldn't it be nice to have someone who understands, who is  willing to go through all this mess together? You know what, I think I found him.

It has been about three years since we got together. (I think. I don't even remember when or how it started. We just happened.) The period of knowing each other- it matters to me. The longer, the better. You can't just marry anyone you met yesterday  and woke up the next day realizing that you two didn't go well together and part ways and repeat the whole thing again with another person (Yup, you can tell that I'm not a believer of the love after marriage thingy). Never have I ever imagined being with someone who is this close to me. I mean, I have always tried to avoid being with someone whom I met everyday (i.e classmates) because I thought we would get bored of each other very easily and if we somehow broke up, it'd be difficult because how do we move on when we still see each other every other day? It would be awkward righttt?!?

But it's totally different from what I've been imagining. There's never a dull second/moment/day with this one. And I realized that I should have not worry about breaking up at the very first place  because you don't get into a relationship just to worry about it ending. You get into a relationship trying your best to make it lasts, to cherish every moment and that's about it. Other things are just the sugar and spice to make it nice(r). My days are always better when he interferes. He makes me feel good about myself, he makes me a whole lot happier and some other feelings that are indescribable (also because I malas nak tulis ady 😌). Yes, of course there are days when we had misunderstandings and all but that's another thing.

What I love most about being in love is that it always made you try harder in everything that you do. How it  made you  want to be  a better person for yourself  first, then only for the people around you. I hope it's not too early to say that he's the one because I realized that I still have a long way to go. I hope we are both in the right lane. I hope He eases our way.