Apr 8, 2016

Never a failure always a lesson

I'm currently on a month break because I PASSED my third year final exam!

*confetti* *fireworks* *confetti*

Alhamdulillah. I can never thank Him enough.

If you didn't know, I failed my second year final exam/First Professional Exam. It was not something that I'd like to talk about. It was not something that I'd like to experience again. It was the most depressive and horrifying moment I ever experienced. I was at the lowest point of my life. 

Sounds exaggerated? 

Maybe, because I have never failed, EVER in my life, especially in my studies before. 
(Gagal dalam percintaan monyet itu benda biasa let's not talk about it ok guys hahaha)

But I only have myself to blame. I didn't work hard (at all). 

I'm not the kind of student who studies in a group. I really need peaceful and calm and quiet environment for me to focus and study well. I was not the best student in class and I didn't always score high grades. Wanted to change that, and make improvements, I joined a study group. A month (or probably less) before final exam.

Okay first of all, the way I see it, there are two main types of study group. One being the mini lecture kind of study group and the other being the discussion & questions-based group. I joined the latter one. 

Which was the biggest mistake. 


To be in a study group, you should be well prepared, you should already have at least 70% of everything in your head and me being the typical lazy me, had 0. If you asked me what did I do the whole year before the exam, well, I was busy doing everything which didn't include studying. So when I joined the group, I was there only to listen and be confused and lost because I have no freaking idea about what they were discussing. I ended up sleeping throughout the discussion. Yes I did. 

I only came home to sleep and shower, and rushed out again to spend the rest of the day at their place. Konon to have the kiasu-studying-environment, where whenever I felt malas but then I see everyone is studying, I will somehow got motivated and start studying as well kinda bullshit. 

To be honest, I was not feeling comfortable at all. I was feeling all panas and sweaty but I couldn't take off my tudung, my cardigan, my pants because well, we were out in public and there were guys. And then like I said, I need calm and quiet environment to study which was impossible to have when they were like 5-7 of us, it was hard for us not to talk each other. In other word, I got distracted. I can't roll on the floor to stretch and take a short 10 minute nap, stretching whenever I want, make myself a glass of milo and stuffs like that. I could have studied better on my own.

Why didn't I just ditch the study group and do so?

Because I was afraid. 
I was afraid of being left behind. 
I was afraid of not knowing the things that I should know. 
I was afraid of missing the important topics and the list goes on. 
So I stayed. 

When the result came out, as expected, I failed. 

Which meant that I had to sit for Supplementary Exam while my friends went on a month holiday with their beloved ones, they got to take a break from the books and notes, stress-free, and also my Geng Gunung went on a hiking trip - Trans Titiwangsa V1

I was alone in the house (my 7 housemates had gone home as soon as they knew their result). Can you imagine how frustrating it was? How being a failure sucks so bad? I think I cried almost everyday regretting and feeling scared. Scared because if I didn't do well in the supplementary exam, I'd gonna have to repeat the whole second year. 

Fast forward to the exam day, the questions was crazy hard, super duper hard. Like it was purposely made to fail us!!!! I seriously felt like I had lost all hope. I've been having palpitations since I woke up in the morning on the day the result came out. The thoughts of failing AGAIN made my knees all wobbly and weak but Alhamdulillah, I passed the exam. 

He the most merciful knows that I couldn't face another failure, and He helped me.

And I made a promise to myself- 
to study hard, 
to become better, 
and not to disappoint myself and my parents again. 

And I kept that promise.

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